Struggle

Today I really struggled.

Doriana is out of town and can't train us so she told us to instead attend a "boot camp" style high intensity cardio/weight class that lasted 1 hour 15 min. I was doing fine until it got so overwhelming hot in there that I couldn't breathe. Plus I was kinda in the front and in between two mirrors that showed EVERYTHING I was doing. And it didn't help that everyone else in the class was totally awesome and looked amazing.

Those that know me know that I hardly ever cry. Let alone in front on anyone else. And I am very competitive. I'm usually a pretty confident person but all these emotions just hit me plus I couldn't breathe and started to hyperventilate. So, I stepped outside for a moment to catch my breath. Normally, I would just go back in, no problem. But today, I felt like a TOTAL loser. Noone else was leaving or "wussin" out but me. The enormity of the situation overwhelmed me. The struggle to lose weight the healthy way just seemed too damn hard. I realized that I had a long way to go. I just sat down and cried. In that moment I was a split second from leaving. I have been working so hard by eating exactly what Doriana & Gerrad have said to eat and exercised at least 2 hours a day. And I still looked like a fat ass trying to keep up with the hotties.

Worst of all, I could still hear everyone in the class giving it their all while I sat outside and felt sorry for myself. To my imagination I knew everyone in the class was wondering if the "fat girl" would be okay and if she would come back.

I immediately recognized one of my food triggers. While I was crying and convincing myself that I could not continue on, I started craving food. Strongly.

But The Lord whispered in my ear that I was Beautiful and that my husband loves me deeply. And my friend Misty couldn't do it without me by her side (nor I her). We were in this together. It took years to put on the weight and no one said it would be easy. In fact, Gerrad specifically told me that it would be really hard.

Somehow I wiped the tears streaming down my face and marched right back in there and finished. I still felt ashamed and discouraged.

After the class I went back out to that same bench and cried again. Later that morning, I told Misty and my husband how I had felt and cried again. Gradually though, I was able to pull through and I let truth wash over me.

I'm still not 100% myself and occasionally fall back into negative thoughts, but really there is no other choice but to go up. Quiting is not an option for me. I can never go back down. Ever.

So, tomorrow as I continue.....I'll just take it one day at a time.