Spinner

The clock was my enemy. Up then down. Up then down. Sweat was pouring down my face and it had only been 5 minutes. Up again down again. June yells "three"...."up"..."two"...."down"....and repeats again and again. She finally says take a drink and do I ever. Before I know it my water is mostly gone. I need to conserve a little better and not drink like a dying man in the desert.

Up again down again to the beat of Lady Gaga. Great. Her songs always seem to last forever. "Increase your resistance!!!" yells Hilter June from the front. "Don't get lazy! Make it burn!" It was burning before I even sat down on the bike.

I'm starting to get in the groove. I'm starting to feel like Lance Armstrong biking in the Alps. I can hear June yelling "up and down" but I can't see her cuz of all the sweat pouring into my eyes. But I do notice Ms. Thing near me not giving a sweat and going up down, up down, with her perfectly shaped butt and thighs. Some day that will be me and someone else will be in the back watching me with envy.

As I am dreaming of my soon to be perfectly shaped butt and thighs, June yells, "Great Job everyone!!! Let's stretch!!"

What??!! We're done already??? I'm just getting started!!!

I'm coming back to you Hitler June!!! I felt great afterwards!!! Look out Lance. Here I come.

But, for now, I'll just take it one day at a time.

Struggle

Today I really struggled.

Doriana is out of town and can't train us so she told us to instead attend a "boot camp" style high intensity cardio/weight class that lasted 1 hour 15 min. I was doing fine until it got so overwhelming hot in there that I couldn't breathe. Plus I was kinda in the front and in between two mirrors that showed EVERYTHING I was doing. And it didn't help that everyone else in the class was totally awesome and looked amazing.

Those that know me know that I hardly ever cry. Let alone in front on anyone else. And I am very competitive. I'm usually a pretty confident person but all these emotions just hit me plus I couldn't breathe and started to hyperventilate. So, I stepped outside for a moment to catch my breath. Normally, I would just go back in, no problem. But today, I felt like a TOTAL loser. Noone else was leaving or "wussin" out but me. The enormity of the situation overwhelmed me. The struggle to lose weight the healthy way just seemed too damn hard. I realized that I had a long way to go. I just sat down and cried. In that moment I was a split second from leaving. I have been working so hard by eating exactly what Doriana & Gerrad have said to eat and exercised at least 2 hours a day. And I still looked like a fat ass trying to keep up with the hotties.

Worst of all, I could still hear everyone in the class giving it their all while I sat outside and felt sorry for myself. To my imagination I knew everyone in the class was wondering if the "fat girl" would be okay and if she would come back.

I immediately recognized one of my food triggers. While I was crying and convincing myself that I could not continue on, I started craving food. Strongly.

But The Lord whispered in my ear that I was Beautiful and that my husband loves me deeply. And my friend Misty couldn't do it without me by her side (nor I her). We were in this together. It took years to put on the weight and no one said it would be easy. In fact, Gerrad specifically told me that it would be really hard.

Somehow I wiped the tears streaming down my face and marched right back in there and finished. I still felt ashamed and discouraged.

After the class I went back out to that same bench and cried again. Later that morning, I told Misty and my husband how I had felt and cried again. Gradually though, I was able to pull through and I let truth wash over me.

I'm still not 100% myself and occasionally fall back into negative thoughts, but really there is no other choice but to go up. Quiting is not an option for me. I can never go back down. Ever.

So, tomorrow as I continue.....I'll just take it one day at a time.

I have about 45 minutes to go until my final 1 hour workout tonight at 8p. The last couple of days have been tough. Yesterday was our day to work with the weights. And Doriana (our trainer) did not care that we were tired. She moved us to a whole new level. Misty and I gave it 100% but still she kept pressing for more. We worked every muscle group as far as it would go. At the end I felt I was going to vomit. But, I thankfully kept it in because there was no way I was gonna embarrass myself in front of the rest of the weight lifters. They are lucky that I spared them that.

We were able to work out a few kinks in the diet which is a good. Now, we are running on all 4 cylinders. It is starting to become routine. I am also finding that I am making my meals a lot quicker than before which helps.

We also were able to work out a weekly schedule for weight training with Doriana. Three times a week we are meeting with her without fail. It reminds me alot of "The Biggest Loser" episodes with Jillian. I dread going. But once I'm there I just do it and before I know it the workout is over.

It helps to workout with Misty because neither of us want to slack in front of each other. We keep each other motivated. But just when I start feeling like I am "all that" cuz I'm working so hard, along comes a hottie with a tight butt and beautiful legs and I am reminded that I have a long long way to go.

But, like always.

Just take it one day at a time.

Tonight marks the end of day 2 on the diet and exercise program that Doriana & Gerrad put us on. I find myself very tired and irritable. I am easily irritated and my patience is very low. Yesterday we went to the gym and worked out and Gerrad was not lying when he said that it would be hard. We have to exercise for at least 2 hours a day. Our first hour has to be done on an empty stomach and we can't eat for at least 30 minutes after. Then we have to exercise at night about an hour or so before bed. Three times a week we go into the gym for some training from Doriana. She kicks our butts in a very serious way. Every part of my body hurts. And once more, tomorrow we go back!!



The diet is not so bad. The only hard thing about it is you have to be exact on the schedule. You eat every 2 hours and they cannot be missed because Doriana & Gerrad have specifically designed it to where we would use it to lose weight and build muscle. Today, I forgot to eat a bannan with my shake so instead I ate it for my next meal (lunch). Doriana kindly told me that next time, since there is a specific science to it, to just skip it. Not to make it up later. It could mess me up. Yikes!!



I'm trying to do this for my health and to show my kids how to be healthy so I could give them the tools for a positive body image. However, right now I don't think that they like me doing this cuz I am grouchy. I have been really trying to go out of my way these last 2 days and do special things with them. I just want them to be happy.



Just one day at a time.

This is my very first blog ever and I am very excited! Three days ago Misty and I started our flush. Doriana and Gerrad (owners of West County Health & Fitness) think that this the best for us right now. We started on Wednesday and today is the last day. We have been exercising 30 minutes of light cardio each of these days. Last night Doriana emailed us the "new" diet plan that starts tomorrow. It looks pretty lean and boring, but, I would rather eat lean and boring for awhile to later look lean and awesome.

This all started because Gerrad one day told me, "I can make you look like a super model in 6 months. It will be hard but you could do it." To which I replied, "Your nuts!!!" To have a supermodel body I need to loose at least 60 pounds!!! Can't be done. I just brushed him off as a crazy person.

A couple of days later I casually mentioned it to my good friend, Misty, and she came up with the Great idea of "Let's try it and blog about it. What do we have to loose other than lbs?"

So, here we are. And Gerrad is right. It will and has been hard. But with the accountability of my husband, Misty, Doriana, Gerrad and everyone else I know, I can do it. Plus, I can't stand the fact that if I don't everyone will know that I failed.

This attitude has already helped me a lot. On Wednesday, the first day of the flush, I automatically went through the drive through for lunch. By the time it dawned on me "what the heck was I doing?" I was trapped between 2 cars. By the time I went up the mic to order my yummy food, I reluctantly told the gal that I had changed my mind. But, let me tell you, it crossed my mind that a little bit wouldn't hurt, or no one would know. But I would know. And I sure as heck don't want to the fattie because I slide every now and again.

Today, Misty and I went shopping for our food for the "new" diet that starts tomorrow and lasts for at least the next 6 weeks (with no free day) and the store we went into had just baked fresh cinnamon rolls. My mouth started to water and I started lusting after them immediately. The thing is, I NEVER eat cinnamon rolls. Ever. They just smelled so good.

I'm taking it one day at a time. That is the only way for me.